Bargaining with a small child is like negotiating with a terrorist. They pull every trick to manipulate you and get what they want: tears, anger, threats and just an outright, persistent ‘no’. They have the power to test your patience and ruin your morning just by their refusal to eat sandwiches that have the crusts on.
When you’re working to win over corporate partners, you won’t see the same temper tantrums (usually!) but you need a toolbox of techniques to keep the discussions moving in a positive direction. I’ve been inspired by the book Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss. Chris was a former FBI hostage negotiator and knows how to talk someone into (or out of) anything. You may never need to persuade bank robbers to surrender, but the techniques can be equally useful getting budget holders to give up some cash.
Here’s how.
1. Be a mirror
Also known as isopraxism, it is the way in which humans mirror the words, gestures and body language of others. We copy each other to send messages that we empathise with the other person. Think of the time when someone leaned towards you across the table during a discussion. Do you stretch back and put your feet on the table? No, you unconsciously mirror their posture and lean toward them too. Mirroring allows you to build a rapport that leads to deeper trust and understanding. It subconsciously says, ‘trust me, we’re alike’.
If you’re meeting a fresh prospect for the first time, you want them to feel comfortable enough to share vital information with you. You won’t need to know where the hostages are, like the FBI, but you are keenly interested in whether they’ve got budget to work with you. A key tactic in mirroring is to repeat the last three words (or the critical 2-3 words) of what they’ve just said. Then listen actively.
“A major restructure…”
“Competition is tough…”
“Consumers are price-conscious..”
Nod, smile and let the silence do the heavy lifting. Your prospect will then elaborate, you’ll get important insights into their pain points, and you’ll advance the process of connecting more deeply.
2. Label their pain
Resist the temptation to unload a ton of information about your cause, your funding needs and your programs. You can’t create empathy and connection by talking at your prospect all the time. Instead, you should aim to understand and acknowledge their challenges. If you’ve done mirroring well, they should start to open up about the main issues affecting their business. Now, you can identify and empathise with the emotions attached to those challenges. Show that you’ve been listening deeply by reflecting and labelling the issues:
It seems like…..it sounds like…..it looks like..
Pause and let them fill any gaps or provide deeper insights into what’s happening. Labelling creates a feeling of safety for the person on the other side of the table and deepens trust. When your corporate prospect feels like you really ‘get them’, they’ll be much more open to working with you.
3. Beware ‘yes’, master ‘no’
Have you ever received that telemarketing call at 7 pm when you’re in the middle of dinner? The one from the market research company or the double glazing salesperson? They are persistent and annoying because they are taught to ask simplistic questions that will get you say yes. ‘Do you drink water?’ Yes of course, I’m not a robot. ‘Would you like fresh, clean water in your fridge daily? Yes. You know the method and it’s designed to elicit a yes when they finally tell you what they’re selling.
In fact there are three kinds of yes.
- Commitment– a real agreement that leads to action
- Confirmation– a reflexive response to a simple question, that is simply affirmation. Do you drink water?
- Counterfeit– when you’re responding to a pushy sales technique. You plan to say no but yes is often an easier escape route. I’ve often encountered this doing business in Japan, where people would rather eat razorblades than say no to someone’s face.
It’s easy to mistake a counterfeit yes for a real one, as we’re so familiar with getting sold to. The best approach is the Rule of Three: get them to say yes 3 times in different ways to make sure it’s a real commitment. Then you’re able to move onto the How, because yes by itself is no use without the How.
No is often when the real negotiation begins, according to Chris Voss.
We often talk about the nine types of no and why there are usually eight ways to continue the negotiation and only one true dead end. Consider the underlying meanings that often sit below a no:
I’m not ready yet
I want something else
I need more information
I want to talk it over with someone else
For each of them, it’s an opportunity for negotiation. To ask the question ‘what about this doesn’t work for you?’. It’s a chance to explore the details of a partnership more deeply.
Triggering a no is a useful tactic as it gives the partner a sense of control and power over the decision. It plays on our human inclination to avoid disagreement. No is not a failure; it’s giving the partner the security of the right to veto.
Consider intentionally mislabelling one of their emotions or desires or stating the counter position. “Have you given up on creating a social impact partnership?”. Your prospect is more likely to jump in with: “No, I’m just trying to find budget…no, I just need to get it past the CFO.. and so on”. You’ve gained more intel on their challenges and can offer support on a solution.
If you state the counter position, you’re demonstrating your empathy with their position. “Are you going to waste your community investment on a charity that doesn’t meet your needs?” No. “Then let’s explore how we can create genuine business value for you.”
Whether you’re negotiating with a toddler, a terrorist or a new corporate prospect, there are ways to find a breakthrough. Empathy, understanding and active listening will uncover the real opportunities and set you on the path to a great resolution.